


blessings wait for you

by Spriingflower



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Boys Kissing, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Lost Boys, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-22 08:18:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17056205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spriingflower/pseuds/Spriingflower
Summary: Jisung and Felix are just two lost boys looking for home.





	blessings wait for you

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from For You (or mixtape #3), the epigraph from Broken Compass and there are at least ten other songs in this somehow, I lost count. If you can point them all out you win nothing, but I'll be really happy that you took the time to think about them while reading this.

" _as long as I stay with my heart_

_I can rely on a broken compass"_

 

The rooftop is where Felix feels most alive. It feels like home. Probably the other eight feel the same way, even though no one of them really ever put it exactly like that. They don't have to call it a home for it to feel like one. Felix doesn't know when or how exactly the group discovered that abandoned school building. When he first joined them they had already set up a nice little base on the top of it. But he has seen some pictures of what this place used to look like, Seungmin apparently has a thing for photography. He had a whole photo album filled with pictures of the roof in several different states and also pictures of the group just hanging out here. He also showed Felix some of the first pictures he took of the roof before they started building their second home up here. Old, dirty and maybe a little bit cold. They tried to fill the cold with lots of ragged old couches that are still comfortable enough to sit on, a heap of pillows and blankets, not one piece matching another and strings of fairy lights all over the place. It's comfortable up here now. Comfortable enough for them to spend most of their nights in their little hideout on that rooftop. Some of them sleep here sometimes. Felix has never spent a whole night here alone but he knows that some of the others do. Some, like Chan or Changbin more or less live up here. They are always some of the first to get here and the last to leave. If they leave at all. So it comes as no surprise to Felix that Chan is already on the rooftop messing around with the broken television he and Woojin carried up the stairs a couple of days ago when he arrives there after school has finished that day. Chan is kneeling on the floor, facing away from Felix, but he still recognises him immediately. His light blond bleached hair makes him stand out. And even if he were to cover that with the hood of the dark jacket he is wearing Felix would probably still manage to recognise Chan. No one else would bother coming here early just to try and fix a television for the rest of them. There is no one else here yet.

"Do you really think you can fix that damn thing?", Felix asks in English. He doesn't bother announcing himself to Chan, he's too occupied with the television either way. He only looks over his shoulder for a second to acknowledge Felix presence with a small nod.

"Hey mate, how ya doin'?", he asks in a heavy Australian accent, already turning back to the television in front of him. Apparently, he at least managed to get it turned on somehow, the screen is buzzing with static. They have electricity up on the rooftop thanks to an old gas-powered generator they found in the basement of this place. Apparently, Hyunjin, who's on his way to becoming some kind of electro technician, managed to get it running again. At least enough to power the fairy lights and the few other things they have up here that need electricity. They have a small kitchen corner with a microwave and a water kettle that they use sometimes. There's also an oven and a refrigerator, but neither of those actually work. First of all, because they aren't connected to any power source and second because they are old and broken just like everything else here. Both of them are labelled in spray paint, a few months ago, when Felix was still new to the group their youngest, Jeongin, was preparing for an English vocabulary test and Chan took a can of spray paint and went around the roof labelling whatever got in his way with its English name. He's a native English speaker, coming from Australia, just like Felix. Maybe that is what drew him to Chan in the first place. The thick, warm Australian accent that he uses sometimes reminds Felix of home, of the way his old friends from school used to talk to him. Probably Chan can sense that it makes Felix feel comfortable, he always makes sure to speak with an extra thick accent around him.

"Oi! Are you listening?", Chan's voice cuts through Felix thoughts and forces him back into reality. Chan is still kneeling on the floor in front of the old television, but now he is looking up at Felix, maybe just the slightest bit irritated. It's enough to send a hot wave of shame through Felix whole body. He's always had a habit of spacing out a bit. It's not that he purposely ignores people but sometimes his mind just drifts off. And he knows that everyone else must be terribly annoyed by him but he can't really help it.

"Sorry, could you say that again?", he mutters. He can feel how the shame is painting his face bright red. Chan sighs, then he gets up and ruffles Felix's hair.

"I said that we probably won't be able to really watch TV with this, but maybe we could get it to play some DVDs, or connect some old console to it, I think Jeongin said that his older brother left him an old PlayStation or something like that. Maybe that could work."

"That sounds cool", Felix muses. He's already beginning to drift off again but this time Chan lets him be. He kneels down again to continue messing with the TV while Felix is looking around on the rooftop. Over the time they have collected a bunch of things up here. Most of them are old, broken and somewhat useless, but still fun. There is a trampoline without a net around it to catch them when they get a little too wild on it standing relatively in the middle of the roof. It's their latest addition to this place. Apparently, Minho managed to find it somewhere and it took four of them to carry it up through the narrow staircase leading up to the roof.

Behind Felix the door to the roof swings open and hits the concrete wall next to it with a loud bang as Changbin and Jisung enter with Jeongin squashed in between them. Chan gets up to greet them enthusiastically while Felix stays behind just watching awkwardly as they hug. He moved to Korea only a couple of months ago and it's been just barely three months since he befriended Chan and joined his friend group. And even though the other boys did everything to make him feel welcome here, Felix still feels a bit like an outsider sometimes. They even did their best to speak English with him when he was still struggling with Korean a lot more. He's still struggling a little but it doesn't show as much anymore. Well, he hopes that it doesn't show. At least he tries to talk Korean all the time now. Except when he's alone with Chan.

Jeongin is the first to come over and tackle Felix in a hug even though he's been avoiding that kind of greeting. Changbin soon joins them and throws an arm around Felix while greeting him and Jisung at least awkwardly waves at him. Felix waves back just as awkwardly. Somehow he feels like Jisung doesn't really like him. It's not that they don't get along or anything like that they just don't really talk when it's just the two of them. Jisung is hard to approach for Felix. At first, he was kind of repelled by him, to be honest. When he first noticed the boy casually wearing a bit of makeup around his eyes, Felix thought that he was vain. Maybe kind of arrogant. He is the only one here to regularly wear makeup, always just a bit to "cover up blemishes" or something like that. It's a little weird and Felix doesn't know what to think of it. Also, Felix is sure that Jisung is kind of avoiding him, which is even more strange considering how touchy he is with almost everyone else. Actually, most members of this group are very clingy, nights on the roof often end with all of them huddled together in a small space or them separating into smaller groups that cuddle together in makeshift pillow forts. But Jisung always keeps a bit of a distance between himself and Felix. At first, when Felix was still new to the group, he thought that maybe Jisung was just being wary of strangers, but at this point he is pretty much convinced that Jisung just doesn't really like him. But at least tries to be polite to not make things awkward for the rest of the group that have taken Felix in as one of their own.

"Is everyone coming today?", Changbin asks in Chan's direction, his arm still casually thrown around Felix's shoulder. Changbin was one of the first here to really open up to Felix, which was surprising honestly. At first glance, he had thought of Changbin as almost intimidating, with his constant dark clothes, the slit eyebrow and the resting death stare. But as soon as Felix really got to know him he found at that Changbin was pretty much the opposite of what Felix had first thought. Chan looks up from a textbook he has taken from Jeongin, because of course, Jeongin was carrying around a textbook. That kid is a bit of an overachiever and always busy with schoolwork even when they are meeting up on weekends.

"Sure, it's Friday, so I guess everyone is coming, Minho and Seungmin already told me that they'll be late, Hyunjin should be here soon though and Woojin is coming over as soon as his shift at the coffee shop is over, he said he would bring some food", Chan explains, before he turns back to explaining something to Jeongin. Changbin finally takes his arm off Felix's shoulder and waves Jisung over. He hesitantly steps a little closer and for the first time, Felix notices the small plastic bag he is carrying. It has the logo of a local supermarket chain and inside a few bottles are clinking against each other with every small step Jisung makes. Changbin takes it from Jisung's hands and holds it so that Felix can look inside. A few cans of cheap beer, two different bottles of wine, one of them already half empty and a small bottle of Soju. Felix gasps a little and Changbin quickly puts a finger to his lips.

"Help us put those away for later, we need something to keep those cold, maybe we could put them in a bucket of cold water or something like that."

"Where did you even get that?", Felix gasps, still kind of in shock about the alcohol. It happens very rarely that someone brings alcohol up on the roof and if it's usually just some of the oldest in the group. Felix has never seen Changbin or Jisung drink more than a few sips out of politeness. Jisung takes the bag from Felix again and shrugs.

"The wine is from my parents, just took it because they aren't home either way. And the dude at the supermarket didn't even ask Changbin for an ID or something when we bought the rest just now. I mean we're old enough to buy it either way, so who cares", he explains. Felix feels a little stupid. Like a child. Of course, they are old enough to buy alcohol if they want to. At least he thinks so, the way they calculate age here still kind of confuses him sometimes. And of course, they can drink it when they want to. It's none of his business.

"Sorry", he mutters, looking down at the dust on his worn sneakers. Changbin gives him a way too enthusiastic pat on the back.

"Relax, we don't plan to get wasted tonight, we just want to have a bit of fun with everyone", he says. Felix forces himself to look up and smile, luckily he gets cut off before he can say anything else.

Woojin enters the roof with a huge plastic bag around his left wrist, Seungmin, Minho and Hyunjin follow right after him, all with a huge smile on their faces.

"We got the food!", Seungmin announces cheerfully and Woojin rolls his eyes at him.

"You mean I got the food", he corrects but he's already laughing. Woojin works days in a small coffee shop and nights in a supermarket to afford his rent. He lives alone. Apparently, he has been living by himself ever since he finished school a few years ago. He didn't make it into university. But he pretends like it doesn't bother him, he claims that he likes working his two jobs, that maybe one day he'll get a nice promotion at that supermarket, become a chain manager or something like that and be able to live from just that. Felix is sure that not even Woojin himself really believes that. But at least he makes enough to survive on his own. And sometimes he also makes enough to buy chicken for nine boys.

They all gather around him to hug and greet him and to try and pry the bag full of still warm chicken from his hands. He chuckles as he pulls everyone into a hug, one after the other. Felix approaches shyly, but before he could even protest Woojin is already pulling him into a bearhug and the other three boys that came with him greet Felix the same way. Sometimes it still feels weird to be hugged like that, his friends in Australia didn't hug, at least not like that. There were usually just handshakes, fist bumps and maybe very quick awkward hugs that were more of a shoulder bump. They were shying away from touching, from openly displaying affection like that because it's not what boys should be doing. It's a rule everyone always knew about apparently. Everyone except for this group of outcasts. Real hugs feel nice but also a little weird. This friend group isn't like Felix former group of friends. They are not just friends, they are a family formed by choice. And bonds made by choice are always stronger than bonds made by blood. At least Chan said so. Chan is like the centre of the group, they all gravitate towards and revolve around him, even though he doesn't actively do much to position himself as a leader in any way shape or form. But he has a way of making people feel comfortable. To make them feel welcome and like they belong. To put it simply, Chan feels like home. It's like he is their leader without actively doing much leading. He is not the main decision maker, he doesn't get the last word on most things, he's not even the oldest of the group. But they all gather around him. Felix can understand why, even though he wouldn't be able to explain. But Chan made him feel comfortable in this foreign environment. And probably he does the same for the others. Felix doesn't know much about most of the other guys but he knows enough to be sure that all of them are troubled one way or another.

Jeongin is an overachiever, way too hard on himself, always trying his best to get his grades up and yet never quite managing to be at the top of the class, always good but never the best. Minho dreams about becoming a professional dancer, maybe even an idol if he makes it into the industry somehow but reality is harsh and unfair sometimes. He dances on the streets every other night, mostly on weekends. His parents don't know. Sometimes Hyunjin is out with him, lately, Felix started to join them every once in a while because he likes dancing and he likes to have somewhere to go on a Saturday night. Changbin acts cold and tough on the outside and Felix is sure that there has to be some reason why he so desperately upholds this persona. Hyunjin is stuck on a career path that his parents picked for him but he feels like he has no right to complain because he has no idea what he would want to do if they were to stop telling him. Seungmin struggles with thoughts that everyone else is always more important than him somehow, he has an older sister that is apparently the parent's favourite in every way. Sometimes, when he is really bitter and it's late at night, he says that he can understand why everyone likes her more.  _She's perfect at everything she does, compared to that I'm just a disappointment._ Woojin didn't get into university and struggles with working two jobs at the same time to pay for rent. His parents don't support him anymore and Felix doesn't dare to ask for the reasons. And Jisung... well, Felix doesn't really know about Jisung. All he knows is that Jisung seems lost.

All of them are. They are the lost boys, but Chan isn't their Peter Pan, maybe he actually the most lost of all of them. Chan isn't a leader, not in the classical sense, he doesn't tell them what to do, doesn't help them solve their problems. But they are not looking for a solution. They are looking for someone who understands. Someone who makes them feel like it will all be okay somehow. They are looking for home. And they found it, here on an abandoned rooftop that is decorated with fairy lights.

"Oi, Felix, you're dreaming again", Chan calls from where the rest of the group is gathered around a slightly awry table in front of a ragged couch, marvelling at the food Woojin brought for them. Chan is standing tall between all of them, waving over at Felix, bleached hair sticking out in a crowd of mostly black haired boys. "Come here and claim your food before the children eat it all", he yells.  _A family_ Felix thinks, looking at the group over there. He smiles. Then he goes to join them.

 

There is never quite enough chicken to feed nine young men but the younger ones still make sure that no one of them takes the last piece, pretending to be full and offering it to Woojin. He also declines politely, insisting that they are all still growing and need to eat well. In the end, they collectively force Chan to take it, because he is always making sure that everyone else takes something first and usually ends up eating the least. He tries turning the offer down but in the end, Minho just takes it and shoves it in Chan's mouth and they all laugh about how Minho gets the spicy sauce all over his hand in the process.

Felix has come to really appreciate these meals together with everyone. Even though they are usually quite messy and there is never really enough food for everyone, there is something really nice about sitting down and having a meal together with a couple of people. The others are always talking, laughing and making conversation. Felix mostly just listens but he enjoys the background noise. The rattling of plastic plates when one of them bumps against the table they are all crammed around. The playful fighting and arguing about who gets the first pick or the last piece of something. The mumbled conversation and the loud laughter. It's nice to not be alone for once. And it's especially nice when it's a treat like that. If hanging out with this group taught Felix one thing it's that someone paying for his food is not something he can just take for granted. Most days they all throw together the bit of money they have on them to order pizza to share. That never goes quite well because at some point Seungmin will call out someone for trying to order pizza with pineapple on it and then Hyunjin will mock him for dipping fries in ice cream and they will bicker for some time while the rest of them study the menu from the delivery service. Sometimes they settle for other take-out instead, black bean noodles are something most of them can agree on. When all of them are really short on money they will use the kettle here to heat up enough water to cook instant noodles for nine boys. And only sometimes one of them brings food for the whole group. It's usually Woojin and probably that is the main reason why no one really dares messing with him. Maybe the fact that he is the oldest also adds to that, but age doesn't really matter here. They all address each other like close friends, no need for honorifics or anything. One of the countless things Felix really likes about this group, for once he doesn't have to struggle with how to talk to someone.

 

Once they are done eating the group kind of splits up into smaller groups. Hyunjin is helping Chan who's still messing around with the television. Seungmin and Minho have trapped Jeongin on a couch between them and are hugging him from both sides, using the younger boy like some kind of cuddle toy. Woojin sits on the ground in front of them leisurely plucking the strings of his guitar and reminds them to not bully their youngest too much every once in a while. That leaves Felix with Changbin and Jisung. Somehow he gets dragged into a game of Jenga with the two. Sometimes Felix suspects that Chan told Changbin to kind of keep an eye on him, Changbin always makes sure to include Felix in things. Then again, maybe it's just because they get along really well. Except for Chan, Changbin is probably his closest friend in this group.

The game is fun, for as long as it lasts Felix almost forgets how awkward he usually feels around Jisung. But the second he makes the tower collapse and Changbin shrieks and pulls him into a death grip calling for a punishment while Jisung just awkwardly smiles at them messing around he realises again that maybe he isn't welcome here. Jeongin joins them for the next round, apparently, he has freed himself, but Minho and Seungmin follow him soon, not letting their favourite human-sized pillow get away. Felix takes that as an excuse to let them play the next round without him. For a while, he hangs out with Hyunjin and Chan, but there is nothing he can really do to help them right now and they are too caught up in their discussion about some technical stuff that Felix doesn't quite grasp to even notice him standing behind them. He thinks about joining Woojin for a bit, but the oldest is peacefully playing something on his guitar and Felix would rather not disturb him. So, in the end, he settles down on that old trampoline and watches the others have fun. The sun is slowly beginning to set and the air becomes a little colder. Felix wraps his arms around himself and leans back until he is lying on the trampoline. Maybe he should head back home soon. He promised his aunt that he would be back before it gets too dark out.

"Hey, are you okay?", a voice calls out. Felix needs a moment to realise that they are talking to him. He rises up again, a little too quickly, the sudden movement makes his head spin. Han Jisung is standing in front of him, hands awkwardly shoved in the pocket of his oversized hoodie. The light of the setting sun is illuminating him from behind. His blond hair has a tint of red like this, the colour looks nice on him. He's waving a hand around in front of Felix's face that is mostly covered by the sleeve of his hoodie. It has the same colour as the sky, a kind of washed out blue, almost grey. The sky shortly before the sun sets. Or before it rises. The excess material is flapping around with the movements of his arm. "Are you there?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm fine", Felix mumbles. Jisung hesitates for a moment, then he sits down next to him. The trampoline slightly dips and jumps back up when Jisung climbs on.

"Why are you here all by yourself?", he asks curiously. Felix just shrugs, he doesn't know how to explain this. Sometimes he feels comfortable just watching from the outside. He doesn't want to feel like some kind of charity case that they only adopted in the group because they had to. Sometimes it's easier just watching them. He feels like he is just watching from the outside either way, even when he is surrounded by people.

"Do you dislike me?", Jisung asks out of nowhere. He is awkwardly combing a hand through his hair to keep his fingers busy, looking at everything but Felix.

"No!", Felix blurts out. Maybe a bit too quickly. And a little too loudly. Jisung flinches. The way someone who is used to being yelled at instinctively flinches when they hear someone raise their voice at them even though there might be no evil intentions to it. "I'm sorry", Felix mumbles, a little quieter this time. "I guess I'm kinda awkward around you, but it's not because I don't like you or anything like that. I just... don't really know how to deal with you. I actually thought that you... didn't like me... You know because you're always so clingy with everyone else but me. I mean, you've known them all longer and... yeah... I mean I also kind of avoided you so... either way I don't... I don't dislike you."

"Oh", Jisung whispers the word the way someone lets out a breath they have been holding for a little longer than comfortable. "That's nice. That you don't dislike me I mean. I guess I also don't really know how to act around you. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable by invading your personal space. You seemed so closed off and awkward when you first joined and I was afraid I would be... too much to handle. I didn't want to scare you away. But then you kind of got more comfortable around everyone else but still avoided me so I thought... it was because of me. And I was so confused about what I did wrong but I guess... this is just some misunderstanding?"

The end of Jisung's sentence fades into a soft question. Uncertainty is lingering in the air between them and Felix knows that he has to make his move now. He's never been the most touchy person, never been especially good at talking to people or figuring out relationships, but he knows that he has to do something now. He carefully places a hand on Jisung's shoulder and smiles awkwardly

"You don't... you don't make me uncomfortable. I'm sorry I made you feel like this."

Jisung leans into the touch almost on instinct, scooting a little closer to Felix.

"I'm also sorry. So I guess we can call it even. How about this, we both stop being awkward and avoiding each other and when something makes you uncomfortable you just tell me?"

"S-sure", Felix stutters. He never thought that in the end befriending Jisung could just be as simple as that. Jisung gives him a content smile before he more or less throws himself at Felix in a surprise hug. Felix freezes for a moment but then he hugs back.

"Uncomfortable?", Jisung whispers in his ear, chuckling a little. He is so close that his lips move against the cross-shaped earring Felix is wearing. His breath tickles.

"Comfortable", Felix whispers back.

 

Felix has observed it a lot in the other members. The need to be physically close to someone. Seeking comfort and warmth and casual touches. Longing for love, no matter who it comes from. A friend, a lover, a family member, what difference does it make? A hug is a hug. And a hug is warm, and comforting and makes you feel safe and like someone cares. Hugs are nice. Having Jisung's head on his lap while he plays around with strings of his bleached hair is also nice. Woojin is playing a soft acoustic version of a song by some popular Korean band on his guitar and Seungmin sings along to it, but it sounds like it's coming from far away. As usual, Felix is watching everything happen from the outside. Closed off in his own personal bubble. The only difference is that this time Jisung is in that bubble with him. And yet it doesn't make Felix the least bit uncomfortable. Which is weird. He has always been uncomfortable with the thought of getting close to someone, like really close. The kind of close where you tell each other all of your secrets and yet don't mind not having anything to talk about. The kind of close where you are just silently enjoying each other's company without having to entertain each other. Situations like that always make Felix uncomfortable, like he is under some kind of pressure to perform, make some conversation somehow. Yet, sitting on this trampoline with Jisung's head in his lap is so easy.

One after the other the rest of the group start joining them. It begins with Jeonjin crawling on the trampoline to flee from his "bullies" and said bullies following moments later to join the cuddle pile. Eventually, all of them are gathered on the trampoline. Arms wrapped around each other heads resting on thighs or chests, a pile of limbs tangled around each other, crammed into this small space even though there would probably be enough room for all of them to spread out and not touch each other. But they are all huddled together, looking up into a night sky that is void of any stars.

Jeongin is the first to leave, because his parents will scold him for being out too long and because he needs to finish some homework or something like that. He only mumbles something about having things to do and a few others give him sympathetic looks, making a couple of remarks about school life before they hug him goodbye. After he is gone someone starts passing the bottles around. Whenever one ends up in Felix's hand he takes a small sip and then hands it over to the next person before the slightly bitter and sometimes also sweet taste has really settled on his tongue. The Soju they bought is apple flavoured, he realises after the bottle has passed through his hand for the second or maybe third time. Not that it really makes a difference.

There is never enough alcohol to really get any of them drunk, they are not here to get wasted. But it's enough to make some of them slightly tipsy. Enough to make Felix's head feel lighter and his worries seem smaller. The night air is getting chilly, the sun has completely set by now and somewhere in the back of his mind, a faint voice is reminding him that he should probably return home soon. But it's drowned out by all the other voices around him, so many voices that whisper and mumble. Soft voices that lull him into a comfortably numb state where he half feels like he is dreaming, even though his eyes are wide open and looking out for the stars that can't be seen through a thick layer of clouds. As a child, he used to think that sometimes the stars just disappeared and he was afraid they would never come back. Later he learned that they weren't gone, they were just hiding from him. But even when he couldn't see them they were still up there. It's an oddly reassuring thing to think about.

The group dissolves slowly, one boy after the other getting up to head back to another home that doesn't really feel like one. Maybe some of them have another family there waiting for them. One that wasn't formed by choice. Had they been given a choice most of them might have picked differently.

After a while, Felix and Jisung are the only ones left on the trampoline. Again, it's just the two of them, closed off in their own little bubble. Chan and Woojin are also still on the roof somewhere, picking up the empty styrofoam boxes that used to contain their food. Felix watches them silently while running his fingers through Jisung's hair. He's half certain that the other boy fell asleep in his lap, he's just lying there, breathing calmly, not minding how Felix is messing up his hair that he usually styles with dedication. But he rises suddenly when Chan approaches them.

"You guys should head home too, it's getting late", Chan says while walking up to them. Even though he is addressing both of them he is looking intensely at Jisung while he speaks. Jisung stares back with the same intensity.

"I'm staying here tonight", he announces in a way that leaves no room for further questions. Chan sighs, runs a hand through his bleached locks and looks around seeming a bit helpless before he turns back to Jisung, eyes a little softer this time.

"It's too cold to spend the night here."

"I don't care, we have plenty of blankets here, I'll stay warm. Anything is better than going back home."

"I really can't let you stay up here... that would be irresponsible."

"Please don't make me go back there", Jisung's voice sounds pleading and Felix can basically see Chan's resilience crumbling. He's looking around again, even though Felix is no mind reader he has a pretty good idea of what he is thinking. Chan lives in a small college dorm room that just barely fits himself, he can't take Jisung back with him. Chan looks over at Woojin for help, but he doesn't even notice. Woojin has a small couch in his apartment that he sometimes let's one of the boys stay one. Felix knows because Minho told him that he slept there for almost a whole week after getting into a fight with his parents about the university courses he applied to. All dance and performing arts centred.

"I can take Jisung back home with me", Felix hears himself say before he has even really finished the thought. Two pairs of eyes are suddenly on him, one wide open with surprise, the other sparkling with hidden curiosity. "I mean, only if you don't mind", Felix mumbles, this time directed at Jisung.

"What about your parents?", he asks, a little hesitant. Felix smiles.

"I live with my aunt", he explains. "She might not even be home, she's a night nurse. I guess she won't mind me bringing home someone to stay over. I mean, it's just for tonight, right?"

"Right", Jisung repeats hollowly. And then, with a little more emotion: "Thank you."

"It's fine, wouldn't want you to catch a cold up here all by yourself."

Out of the corner of his eyes, Felix catches the relieved smile Chan has on his lips. He feels like he did something right for once in his life.

 

Jisung and Felix don't really talk much on their way to the small apartment in the grey concrete block where Felix aunt lives. It's a ten minute ride with the subway and then another five minutes by foot and they spend all of it in complete silence. It's a little heavier than earlier, no longer comfortable. There are questions Felix wants to ask but doesn't really dare to.  _Why don't you want to go back home? What happened there? Why do you seem so lost?_ Felix keeps them all to himself and they continue walking next to each other in silence.

The elevator is still broken so they have to walk up the staircase, it's empty and the light is flickering dangerously every now and again like it's about to give up any moment. Felix and his aunt live on the seventh floor and by the time they have reached it Felix has thought about all the reasons why taking Jisung back home with him was a terrible idea at least twice. But now they are here already, there is no turning back. Felix fumbles around with his key, trying to hide his embarrassingly fluffy keychain from Jisung's observing eyes. He probably noticed it either way but doesn't say anything about it. Before Felix can even open the door it swings open and they are met with a very stressed looking Lee Yoora.

Yoora is the older sister of Felix's father and she's a woman like the ocean. Sometimes she's calm and peaceful, other times stormy and destructive. She's always in motion, moods changing with the moon. Right now it's high tide. Strands of black hair falling out of her messy bun, make-up done haphazardly. She's already in her work uniform, clutching a jug of coffee as if her life depends on it. Felix is just as surprised to see her as she is to see him. But she snaps out of it first, surprise turning into irritation.

"Lee Yongbok, I told you to be back before sundown, do you have any idea what time it is? I was worried about you? You could have at least texted me also-", Yoora stops when she notices Jisung standing half-hidden behind Felix, giving her a crooked smile. "Who's that?", she asks, voice softened by surprise.

"A friend", Felix quickly explains. "He's staying over tonight. Is that okay?"

Yoora looks back and forth between Jisung and Felix. This time the look of surprise on her face seems almost a little happy. She has that pleasantly surprised face she does when she comes home to find that Felix has done the dishes without her reminding him to. Probably she's about to say something stupid and embarrassing like  _I didn't know you had friends_ but Jisung raises his voice before she can blurt out anything like that.

"I'm Han Jisung, I apologise for the intrusion, Felix and I were out together, we kind of lost track of time and he invited me over. Thank you very much for having me."

He even does a little bow. And Yoora's mouth forms into a silent  _oh_. The  _oh you did the dishes AND cleaned your room, what did you do?_ kind of oh.

"S-sure", she mumbles, a little taken aback. "I'll have to leave for work now. Don't stay up too late boys."

She ruffles Felix hair quickly while pushing past them and out into the hallway. Then she makes her way down the stairs like a wave rolling into shore. Both Felix and Jisung watch her disappear before Felix finally turns to Jisung again and gestures towards the open door.

"Come in."

 

Felix shows Jisung where to put down his shoes and offers him a glass of water or something – which Jisung turns down politely – before he shows him the way to his room. The moment he pushes open the door he realises that there is a collection of plushies on his bed, perfectly on display. Jisung notices them the second he follows Felix into the room. His eyes get stuck on Felix small collection and Felix stiffens immediately.

"Cute", Jisung chuckles after a moment. It doesn't sound like he is judging Felix for that childish collection, or if he does he's at least trying to not let it show in his voice, which is something Felix really appreciates.

"Make yourself comfortable. I'll go look for a blanket and stuff for you. I think Yoora has an inflatable mattress somewhere, is that okay for you?", Felix asks, awkwardly shifting his weight back and forth between his feet.

"Sure", Jisung mumbles. He sits down on Felix's bed carefully, as if he's fearing that it might break under his weight. Felix awkwardly remains in the doorway another moment, then he quickly nods and leaves to go look for that inflatable mattress.

He finds it in a drawer chest under Yoora's bed, together with a couple of bedsheets, pillows and blankets.  _Jackpot_. Felix quickly gathers together what he needs and then makes his way back to his bedroom, the obtained treasure hugged tightly to his chest. He finds Jisung on his bed, playing around with the soft paws of a stuffed bear. Felix sits down next to him and promptly begins blowing up the inflatable mattress to avoid having to make conversation. The rubber valve tastes disgusting but he keeps his lips connected to it, almost hyperventilating into the mattress.

"Your aunt called you Yongbok", Jisung says into the heavy-breathing filled silence. Felix lets the valve slide out of his mouth for a moment to voice a  _yeah_ and then takes another deep breath to blow it into the mattress.

"Why?", Jisung asks. Felix pretends to exhale a little longer even though his lungs are already completely empty, before he looks over at Jisung and shrugs as casually as he can.

"It's my Korean name", he explains. "She calls me that because she thinks it'll help me be more comfortable here. Says it'll help me get more used to the language and everything. She also refuses to speak English with me, she used to scold me a lot when I first got here and struggled with the language more. I don't really like my Korean name, but I guess she means well."

"Yongbok", Jisung repeats the name again, a little teasing this time. Felix cringes.

"Please don't call me that", he whines. He's Felix, he has always been Felix and he doesn't like the sound of any other name. It doesn't feel right. "And don't tell the others. I'm sure Seungmin would never stop calling me that", he adds as an afterthought. Jisung laughs. Felix realises that this is the first time today he's heard him really laugh. He did hear Jisung chuckle at his plushies, heard him softly giggle when they hugged earlier, heard the amused snort when Changbin almost made the Jenga tower collapse before they even really started playing. But he hasn't heard a genuine laugh from him so far. It makes Felix stop for a moment, a warm feeling swells up in his chest, that he can't quite put a name on yet.  _The feeling was friendship, but neither had ever experienced it_ the part of his brain that is entirely devoted to quoting memes and referencing vines supplies and  _adoration_ a more rational part suggests.

"Why did you move to Korea so suddenly? You pretty much came in the middle of the school year, was there something you wanted to get away from?", Jisung asks curiously. Usually, Felix would avoid those kinds of questions but instead of trying to turn the conversation away from it, he puts down the air mattress and sighs.

"Kind of", he admits. "My father always suggested that I could maybe do a year abroad in Korea or possibly go to university here later, even before all that stuff happened. Both of my parents are Korean, but they moved to Australia because of a job opportunity or something. I was born in Australia, but they still tried to teach me some Korean, in case I ever wanted to go here and explore my roots or whatever. I was never to keen on that but then some... stuff kinda happened at school and I just wanted to get away from it all."

 _Stuff_ is a very mild way to put what happened but it's the only way Felix is really comfortable to talk about it. He doesn't like thinking about it. Doesn't like remembering the hushed voices behind his back, the stares as he walked down the hallway to the classroom, the boys keeping their distance and the girls treating him weirdly. He prefers not to talk about it.

"Oh", Jisung whispers softly. Maybe Felix is just imagining the hint of pity in his voice but it makes him cringe a little.

"It's cool. I'm actually starting to really like it here now that I have you guys. And I'm also getting more comfortable with the language and the culture here, so it's alright", Felix pauses and smiles for emphasis. To prove that he is really fine, he doesn't need anyone's pity, that only makes him feel worse about himself. Even more miserable than he already is. "What about you though? What are you running away from? Why did you want to stay on the roof tonight?"

Jisung stays quiet and Felix is about to take it back and apologise for overstepping a line when he hears Jisung inhale a shaky breath. His hands are buried deep in the pocket of his sky blue hoodie, the fabric is moving over them like he is fiddling with his hands nervously.

"My parents and I... don't really get along."

The statement in itself sounds so vague, it could mean anything from  _my parents and I had a fight over me not cleaning my room_ to  _they wish I would have never been born_ and it's up to Felix to fill in the blanks. He remembers the way Jisung flinched earlier and it makes him think about how he always perceived Jisung as kind of jumpy. He gets scared easily, often of very minor things. A plate dropping to the ground and breaking once made him jump off the couch. Felix thinks about how when the other boys wrestle for fun or have pretend fights they always kind of let Jisung be and he thinks about how that one time one of them actually raised his hand and pretended to hit Jisung he had ducked so quickly, as if he was trying to dodge a real slap to the face. He had looked to frightened back then. And he thinks about the makeup Jisung is wearing mostly around his eyes and not really anywhere else on his face. Felix swallows around the lump that is forming in his throat, then he carefully wraps his arms around Jisung because he simply doesn't know what else he could even try to do in a situation like this. He's never really been good with words, never been a fan of showing too much affection to openly, bad at comforting people. He offers solutions when they just want someone who'll listen to their problems. He stumbles over hollow words when he tries to give advice to friends. He's not good at this whole thing, but he just has to do something. Anything at all is better than doing nothing.

At first Jisung tenses up completely, then he melts into the touch. He slumps against Felix as if the life had been sucked out of him, he's just as empty and deflated as the air mattress that Felix dropped to the floor. The bit of air he managed to breathe into it has probably already escaped again. Another useless attempt at doing something. Another try that just wasn't good enough to really change anything. Jisung is a dead weight in Felix's arms. His body feels surprisingly slender. It's hard to tell under the oversized hoodies he's always wearing, but he's actually pretty light, almost a little too skinny, his shoulder bones are uncomfortably poking into Felix's chest. He's so incredibly smaller and more fragile like this.

For a moment Felix is sure that Jisung is crying. But when he awkwardly turns his head down to look at him his eyes are dry and wide open. He's just there, softly breathing into Felix's chest, leaning against him. He tilts his head up when Felix looks down to check on him and their eyes meet. Their faces are so close that Felix just can't look away. Jisung is pretty. He's always been pretty, as far as Felix can remember. He has that cute smile that makes his cheeks look a little round and squishy, like those of a squirrel, paired with large brown eyes that are so hard not to get lost in.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?", he whispers. There is no need to speak louder than this. Hushed voices are enough. They are so close, probably Felix could even read the words off Jisung's lips. He slowly shakes his head.

"No. This is fine."

"Good." Jisung carefully reaches up a hand and places it on Felix's neck. "Stop me when you have to", he whispers, then he pulls down Felix' face and connects their lips.

The kiss they share is a placebo. It doesn't really do much to actually combat the pain and the loneliness, but for a moment it makes them feel better. It's medicine for an illness that can't be cured because it's just in their heads and yet it isn't made up. But the medicine is. It doesn't change anything, doesn't help, doesn't fix what's wrong with them. Just like a placebo, the kiss they share is fake. And bitter. Jisung's lips still faintly taste like apple flavoured soju and red wine that tastes like vinegar to Felix. At first, it's just a soft peck, but when Felix doesn't pull away right after that Jisung connects their lips again, another chaste kiss, but a little longer this time. He reaches up his other arm as well, hugs Felix closer until he's almost sitting on his lap, causing both of them to fall over backwards and tumble over each other. Jisung is on top of Felix, looking down at him with a sheepish smile. His eyes are somewhat apologetic, he can't quite look at Felix. He's avoiding eye contact. Felix uses both of his hands to cup Jisung's face before he pulls him down for another kiss.

Because Jisung's lips are warm and soft and just so goddamn kissable. And then again because it makes him feel less lonely and he likes how Jisung fists his hands into the fabric of Felix hoodie when he wraps his arms around him again. And then one more time because maybe Jisung has always been incredibly pretty and Felix has been longing for a chance to finally talk to him. Get closer to him. Maybe the real reason he was so hesitant to approach him was because he didn't like just how upset it made him that Jisung was so touchy with everyone else but him. Because that's a kind of feeling Felix knows to bring nothing but trouble. For a split second Felix wonders whether Jisung is actually gay as well or just lonely and willing to take affection from anyone who can give it to him. But then again, what difference does it make in the end? To Jisung, the kisses they share mean nothing. They are just a medicine patch against the dull ache of loneliness. They are placebos, and Felix is just fooling himself into believing it's something real.

At some point, Jisung falls asleep like that. Head resting on Felix's chest, arms wrapped loosely around his neck. His body is so warm. And he feels so fragile in Felix's arms. He doesn't dare to push him off, even though he is sure that he won't be able to sleep like that. One of his arms is slightly trapped under Jisung, it's a little uncomfortable and will surely be numb tomorrow. Felix uses his free arm to reach a hand to his own neck and feel for his pulse. It's a kind of nervous habit. He feels the beating through his skin, way too fast and begins counting in his head until the pumping slows down again. It's odd, but it really does help him calm down. There is something kind of comforting about knowing that his heart is still beating, that this small muscle keeps him alive no matter what. There are things that make it stumble and hurt for a bit, but it always comes back to this calm steady beat in the end. Felix closes his eyes and puts his arm back down, softly draping it over Jisung's back. The other boy shifts a little in his arms, before he sighs in his sleep and settles back down. Felix sighs too. This is going to be a long night.

 

Felix has always liked surrounding himself with as many plushies, blankets and pillows as he possibly can. It's like he's building himself a nest out of everything that gives him comfort. And then he curls up in the middle of it, hidden away under several blankets, making himself as small as possible. Felix has always longed for warmth, for comfort. For touch. But wanting something and being able to actually ask for it are two very different things. Plushies can't decline. Can't shove you away and look at you weirdly when you hug them for a second too long. Blankets and pillows don't give you weird stares when you just want a hand to hold. They don't judge you, they don't call you a faggot and avoid you and make fun of you and-

They are not people. They don't do all these horrible things that other people do.

Felix always thought that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep without something – or someone – to cling onto. He always sleeps with an arm full of his pillow or one of the plushies decorating his bed. And yet he can't quite fall asleep with Jisung in his arms, breathing softly, heart beating so much slower than Felix's.

 

At some point, he must have fallen asleep after all. When Felix opens his eyes again, Jisung is gone. The bed is cold. There is a completely deflated air mattress on the ground next to him. Last night feels like a dream. Felix gets up slowly, his whole body feels numb and heavy, his arm is tingling weirdly and his neck feels stiff. The remainder of Jisung's body on his is omnipresent, the memory of a kiss still on Felix's lips like a ghost, Jisung's smell is sticking to his bedsheets. He's not here anymore and yet he is everywhere.

Felix knows exactly where to look for him.

 

Jisung is sitting cross-legged on the trampoline in the middle of the rooftop with his back turned to Felix. He has both hands buried in the front pocket of his hoodie, it looks like he is hugging himself. Felix approaches him a little hesitantly, trying to get Jisung to notice him before he reaches him by making his steps a little louder than he usually would. The gravel crunches under his shoes but Jisung doesn't turn around. Felix stops right in front of the trampoline and waits for a moment. Then he climbs on it. He crawls over to Jisung and then sits down right next to him.

"Hey", Felix whispers, in the cold morning air his breath forms small clouds in front of his face. Jisung doesn't turn around, but he leans against Felix.

"Hey", he whispers back. Another small cloud of fog. Like the breath of a dragon. His body feels cold, Felix wraps his arms around Jisung and begins rubbing his hands up and down the other boy's sides to warm him up again.  _How long has he been sitting out here already?_

"When did you leave?", Felix hears himself ask. Actually, he wants to ask for a reason rather than a time, but when is an easier word to say than why. Jisung shrugs.

"Maybe around five or something. When I woke up. I didn't want to bother you too much. Letting me stay over was already more than you should have done. Way more than I deserve. And I felt guilty after what happened."

"Why? Because you kissed me?"

"Yeah... because I used you."

Felix wants to say that it's not true. That he doesn't feel used. That everything is alright. But maybe he really does feel a little bit used. A little cheated. A little disappointed. Then again, maybe he wanted to be used. Wanted to feel like he was needed and desired by someone, even if it's fake. He had been craving the comfort just as much as Jisung did.

"It's alright", Felix whispers. He knows it's a lie. Jisung probably knows as well. But that is alright as well. There is nothing else they can do except remind themselves again and again that everything is alright. And maybe it will be. Eventually. Until then they just have to fool themselves and swallow another placebo.

"I'm just... I feel so lost", Jisung mumbles. He has his head on Felix's shoulder, the peach blond hair tickling Felix's nose softly. He inhales Jisung's scent and sighs into his hair because he already missed it way too much. Jisung continues talking, voice hushed because the space between them is so small that even a whisper carries way too strong.

"I feel so lonely. And I just want to feel like someone likes me. I want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. I'm just lonely and craving some attention. And after our talk yesterday I actually started thinking that you might like me. I used you, just to get some warmth. And I'm so fucking sorry. But I just wanted to forget for a bit. I wanted to feel loved."

"Me too", Felix admits after a while of just holding Jisung in his arms, trying to warm him up again. A cold gust of wind hits them from behind and Jisung crawls even deeper into his own hoodie. Felix shoves his hands into the pocket of Jisun's hoodie and grabs his hands. They are warm. It's comfortable.

"I want to feel loved too. I think we all do, there is nothing wrong with that. So what? We're both lonely. Maybe we can just hold each other for a while and we'll be okay somehow. I will hold you and keep you warm for as long as you need it, just don't leave me again. We can figure things out. At our own pace. You do it at yours, I do it at mine. Don't you think that it's okay to feel a little lost sometimes?"

"You sound just like Chan."

"I wish, he's much better with words than I am."

"You're not doing too bad yourself, you know? Actually, you're really amazing. Sometimes you really surprise me. I think you are so much more incredible than you yourself are able to see. I want you to know that. I really want you to understand that you deserve so much better."

Felix smiles softly, he can't quite bring himself to believe every word Jisung is saying, but he feels happy nonetheless. It's nice. Even though the air is cold it's warm with his hands buried in the pocket of Jisung's hoodie. It's comfortable. Maybe they will be okay. Probably not today or tomorrow or even next year, but they will be okay eventually. When there is a shadow there has to be a light as well. Right now loneliness is casting a dark shadow over them and it seems like they will never escape it, but somewhere sunny days are waiting for them. And until then they have the warmth of a hoodie and the comfort of each other's company.

 

Chan finds them like that when he arrives on the rooftop around noon. Felix and Jisung are tightly hugging each other on the trampoline. He doesn't comment on it, just tosses a blanket in their general direction and asks them if they want a cup of tea as well. Maybe the rest of the group – their family – will join them later. It'll be okay.

They are home now.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as a birthday gift for my younger sister and I'm finally publishing it, two weeks too late.  
> Remember that it's okay to feel lost sometimes, we all do. But as long as you believe in what your heart tells you a broken compass will guide you. I love you.


End file.
